Stouffer's Frozen Lasagna is my Home Boy

Submitted by Brooke Hoover, an actor and comedian in NYC

Making a PBJ for lunch tomorrow so I don't go crazy at Pret A Manger or another "healthy" fast-food place demain.
I'm slapping my peanut butter on the bread and I notice every single thing I am using to concoct my quasi comfort food has LIGHT on it.
"Light Arnold bread featuring 6 grams of fiber!"
"Sugar-Free Blackberry Preserve - same great taste!"
"Jiffy Lite." ('cause Lite is supposed to make me think this kind of peanut butter is fun-loving with its misspelled name)
Even the silverware seems to sparkle with the word "light" like a dollar store disco ball.
Wait, that's just a reflection from the bread packaging, but, still.

Oh, Light Food, I am sick of thy lite blue labelling and attempts to taste just like the real deal.

Is it so bad that I dream of a fatty fat fat Alice in PreservativeLand where blue and/or white labels always displaying the words "light" and/or "lite" are banned and red labels rule the world? Beem me up, Queen of MSG ! Stouffer's frozen lasagna is my home boy.
Oh, but that's just a lil' daydream o' mine.
'Cause going down that rabbit hole is what got me into this nightmare to begin with.
Ok, here ends my attempts to make Alice in Wonderland metaphors.
I just really like Alice in Wonderland, guys.

I lost sixty pounds, gotta lose more, gotta stay on the train, wish Jillian was MY personal
_ _ _ _ in' trainer! Gotta be grateful, gotta be positive, gotta put white light (but not "light" white labels) on a faster metabolism and will power of steel, gotta keep moving forward on this weight loss - weight - wait - I mean "lifestyle" change!

But, first, can we please make a pit stop at Outback Steakhouse?